Even though we make it a point not to read the daily papers, it has not escaped our notice that the markets for capital are undergoing one of their periodic convulsive episodes and, as a result, many of our readers may find their circumstances temporarily straitened. Although self-help features are not usually our “thing,” we feel it is morally incumbent upon us not to keep useful information to ourselves when it might dampen the blow from King Midas’ Golden Hammer for those currently in difficulty.
Here, then, are some money-saving tips devised by money-saving experts in consultation with our staff. We have divided them according to the socio-economic status of the readers for which they have the greatest utility. But you should feel free to mix ‘n’ match.
Do you have a money-saving tip you’d like to share with others? Well, please don’t send it to us. We have to move on to other matters and have no further time to spend, so to speak, on the problem.
For Poor and Working-Class Readers
Eliminate one item from tattoo of flaming skeleton riding Harley out of open grave.
Go to work in factory that manufactures fraudulent disability claims.
Some of the most accessible animals at the zoo (zebras, antelope, etc.) are also the most delicious.
Have sex with bus driver in exchange for free ride(s).
Pawn mom’s artificial hip.
Replace broken eyeglasses with stylish monocle.
Do not flush toilet. Ever.
Stop playing that squirrel hunting video game and go squirrel hunting instead.
I know the dealer is still offering E-Z credit, but do you really need another all-terrain vehicle?
Start poverty-themed website or online social network.
For Middle-Class Readers
Reduce Christmastime electric bill by replacing 60 Watt bulbs in front lawn manger scene with 40 Watt bulbs (except for baby Jesus.)
Have you heard about Applebees’ new “no tipping” policy? No? Well, you have now!
Wear non-matching outfits when sightseeing, if necessary.
Next time you need a new welcome mat, consider not personalizing it.
Order Chili’s “Awesome Blossom” as a main course
Cut back DirecTV package from 4500 to 2500 channels.
Downgrade lawn seed from Kentucky Blue to Perennial Ryegrass.
No more expensive live shows. Watch Cirque du Soliel on pay-per-view only.
Ladies, throw that Sharper Image catalogue away BEFORE your husband sees it.
Don’t commit to a new DVD format for at least a year.
Try hosting “Gal’s Night” at home. Homemade Apple-tinis are even better than the restaurant kind.
Convert family van to run on inexpensive tidal power.
For Upper-Middle Class, Bourgeois, and Superrich Readers
Have bubbles injected into private label sparking water in groups of ten, rather than individually.
Add extra tie-downs to helicopter landing pad as a reminder to curb unnecessary trips.
Ditto extra tie-downs for helicopter pad on yacht.
Allow your airmail to fly commercial.
Make percussionist in orchestra for daughter’s debutante ball play both triangle and glockenspiel.
Deduct gift of last year’s fur coat to maid from her salary.
Fund think tank to figure out ways you can cut costs.
Kick those lazy Swift Boat Veterans for Truth off the payroll.
Change schedule for dry-raking Japanese Karensui Garden from thrice daily to “as needed.”
Allow pet pandas to smoke Honduran cigars instead of expensive Cubans.
Send children to school. Do not bring school to children.
