Original: “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” – proverb
Improved: “An apple a day, if thrown accurately, keeps the doctor away.”
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the view is always the same.” – Chinese Proverb
Improved: ”There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the Chinese will always find the cheapest one.”
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt
Improved: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…and the Bogeyman.” (Apologies to Mad Magazine.)
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “May you live in interesting times.” – Chinese proverb
Improved: “May you live in wonderful, wonderful times.”
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” – Woody Allen
Improved: “Eighty percent of the people who show up are a success.”
America and Why I Love Her – Update
Thanks to our global dominance in the field of One Woman Shows, America’s women are the happiest, most mentally healthy, and have less to get off their chests than any other statistically comparable group of women in the world with the possible exception of the women of the Netherlands, who have the advantage of being, on average, much better-looking.
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.” – John F. Kennedy
Improved: “And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask why it can’t do it more quickly.”
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “Hell is other people.” – Jean-Paul Sartre
Improved: “Hell is Sartre’s friends.”
