Original: “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” – proverb
Improved: “An apple a day, if thrown accurately, keeps the doctor away.”
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the Earth.” – John F. Kennedy
Improved: “I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon to see if he can make a go of it.”
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the view is always the same.” – Chinese Proverb
Improved: ”There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the Chinese will always find the cheapest one.”
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt
Improved: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…and the Bogeyman.” (Apologies to Mad Magazine.)
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” – Woody Allen
Improved: “Eighty percent of the people who show up are a success.”
America and Why I Love Her – Update
Thanks to our global dominance in the field of One Woman Shows, America’s women are the happiest, most mentally healthy, and have less to get off their chests than any other statistically comparable group of women in the world with the possible exception of the women of the Netherlands, who have the advantage of being, on average, much better-looking.
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.” – John F. Kennedy
Improved: “And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask why it can’t do it more quickly.”
Topical Humor Tuesdays
Topical humor has never been more “now” than it is today. Every Tuesday in the Old Yorker we bring you some of the best jokes from the current humor “scene.”
Here is our topical humor for Tuesday, December 4, 2007.
Thanks to Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, alcohol abuse is in the news just about every day. Phyllis Diller’s husband Fang has been known to enjoy a drink or twelve and La Diller jokes that Fang’s hands shake so much that he can thread a needle on a sewing machine…while it’s running! Phyllis hates to watch Fang shave when he has a hangover. The other day he cut himself so badly that his eyes cleared up.
Due to the crisis in sub-prime mortgage lending, people have been thinking about their houses quite a lot lately. Phyllis Diller isn’t much of a housekeeper, apparently. In fact, her kitchen is so greasy that the roaches slide to their deaths. Not only that, when she discovers a crack in the kitchen floor, Phyllis fixes it by putting cold cream on it. Once, she forgot to tell Fang about the cold cream and he slipped and broke all six legs. He was carrying the dog at the time. Ms. Diller’s neighbor was very upset when she heard the news of Fang’s accident. You see, it was her dog he was carrying.
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “Hell is other people.” – Jean-Paul Sartre
Improved: “Hell is Sartre’s friends.”
