Here at the Old Yorker, we make a big show of not caring about our readers. When they say they want more of something we have published, we resolve never to write about that particular subject again. When they tell us they like something we have done, we secretly hate ourselves. We are ornery that way.
So, it will not surprise you to learn that we open our reader mail mostly in order to scoff or sometimes to look for identities to steal.
Still, it did not escape our notice that our recent article attempting to answer a question posed to us by a bumper sticker, “what would Jesus drive?,” drew an unusually large response from our subscribers. Several people pointed out that speculating about what Jesus might or might not have done when faced with a modern problem is a “meme,” a word we don’t entirely understand but which apparently also describes that “two girls, one cup” business.
The large volume of mail inspired us to do a little soul-searching. Is it really right for us to have such deep contempt for our readers? Is that really a Christian way to behave? The answer, clearly, is no. And so, as a penance, we have decided to further examine the general question, “What would Jesus do?” by breaking it into its constituent parts. Today, for instance, we will try to answer the specific question:
What would Jesus eat?
Our basic axiom is that what Jesus would do in the present is whatever he did do 2,000 years ago. And for that information we are blessed with a plethora of sources including, most importantly, the Good Book itself. Scholars of Biblical times tell us that the two main meals in Jesus’ day were taken at about noon and in the evening, essentially lunch and dinner. Diners sat on an animal skin spread on the ground or reclined on couches or were seated at a table, as in Leonardo da Vinci’s mural of the Last Supper, made famous by the book “The Da Vinci Code.”
With the possible exception of the spoon, the standard dining utensils were all known to people of Jesus’ day. But their usage was restricted to the upper reaches of the elite. Ordinary people would have eaten their meal by dipping bread in a communal bowl.
Okay, so now we know how Jesus ate but not what he might have eaten. Although many foods are mentioned in the Old Testament, including the grains spelt and millet in Ezekiel, meats like venison, antelope, and mountain sheep in Deuteronomy, fruits and vegetables like apples in the Song of Solomon, cucumbers in Numbers, and the ubiquitous dates in the Second Book of Samuel, in the New Testament, Matthew seems to have been the only foodie among the Apostles. From his account, we can conclude that Jesus would enjoy a meal of the following:
Leavened bread
Honey
Mustard
Mint
Dill
Cumin
Locusts
Chicken
Obviously, anything in a honey-mustard sauce would probably appeal to Jesus and while locusts are not often eaten today, they are an excellent source of protein and, perhaps, might be tastily fried in cumin and chicken fat.
Here is a menu you might prepare if you had Jesus over for dinner that includes most of his favorite foods:
Fried locusts with cumin aioli
Dill chicken with mustard
Leavened bread
Honey-mint ice cream
As to “what would Jesus drink?,” even the casual Christian knows of Jesus’ fondness for both water and, famously, wine. He was also given a spongeful of vinegar as a refreshment during His crucifixion but somehow we don’t think that’s an experience He would choose to repeat!
