Topical Humor Tuesdays

This is topical humor for Tuesday, April 15th.

Today is tax day and nothing gets the topical humorist’s mental juices flowing more than those two universal certainties: death and taxes (with the possible exception of airline food.) We had our pick of the wits when it came to sounding off on the second subject, so we thought we’d give our pal Morey Amsterdam a shot.

Some people probably go out to dinner to celebrate filing their tax returns. Speaking of restaurants, Morey tell us that “a cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.” A lot of folks probably would rather have dinner with a cannibal than an IRS agent (that one’s ours.)

Folks in Beverly Hills are so rich that they probably pay a lot in taxes. Or maybe they got so rich because they don’t! Either way, Morey says that Beverly Hills is so exclusive that “even the police have an unlisted number.” Hey, he would know!

Unfortunately, that was all the Human Joke Machine had for us on the subject of taxes. So we rang up Joey Bishop for a final capper. Joey took off like Secretariat with this beaut about doctors, who some of us have to see after we have a heart attack caused by our tax bill. “My doctor is wonderful,” says Joe. “Once, in 1955, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.”

No wonder the Rat Pack liked hanging out with this guy!

Published in: on April 15, 2008 at 10:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Topical Humor Tuesdays

This is topical humor for Tuesday, April 8th.

Is it Tuesday already? Collegiate comedy has been a staple at the humor buffet ever since the first sophomore cracked wise. The news earlier this week that Harvard University had received a record high number of applicants — and accepted a record low number of them — set many a comedian’s propeller beanie into a supersonic twirl.

The old Schnozzola, Jimmy Durante, may or may not have gone to college; it’s impossible to be sure. But whether you’re a graduate of Harvard, Yale, or dear old Hard Knocks U., U’ll appreciate the timeless wisdom of this bullseye shot from Durante: “My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” Sounds like the Schnoz has passed Matrimony 101 — with flying colors!

As for college bands, Jimmy says, “I hate music, especially when it’s played.” And if that sour note doesn’t ring sweet, try this zinger out the next time you’re swinging with a current events type crowd: “Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.” It takes a lot of guts to take on politicians but Jimmy Durante has guts — and heart — in abundance.

To the lucky Harvard Class of 2012, the Schnozzola has this to say: from your very first “Inka Dinka Doo” to your final “Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are,” “be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down!”

No pomp, all circumstance, that’s our Jim!

Published in: on April 8, 2008 at 10:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Topical Humor Tuesdays

Topical Humor for Tuesday, April 1, 2008.

Today is April Fools’ Day and, sure enough, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama continue to share a giggle at the expense of the rest of us.

As their endless primary battle continues, the question of which senator will claim the hillbilly vote is now of paramount importance, especially with the Pennsylvania primary looming on the electoral horizon.

When courting bumpkins, Senator Obama should be careful how he plays the race card. After all, a reporter asked this hillbilly what he thought about the president’s civil rights bill. He answered: “If he owes it, I reckon he should pay it.”

And when both candidates are campaigning in rural districts, they should remember that Christ wasn’t born in hillbilly country due to the difficulty of finding three wise men and a virgin there.

We all know that hillbilly police cars have stripes along the side so that the cops can find the handles but with universal health care such a key issue for the Democrats, one wonders which of the candidates will be the first to acknowledge that, in order to give a hillbilly a circumcision, you must kick his sister in the chin.

Published in: on April 1, 2008 at 10:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Topical Humor Tuesdays

Topical Humor for Tuesday, March 25

An ominous uptick in violence in Iraq forces us to call on one of our big guns, Don Rickles, a.k.a. “Mr. Warmth,” to make light of the situation. When it comes to topical comedy, there’s none braver than Don. Good thing too, because Iraq is hazardous not just for American troops and Iraqi civilians but for many a comedian’s act. Is it any wonder that, when it comes to topical humor, the Guffaw Gang calls Iraq the “Widowmaker?”

But don’t tell that to Don Rickles because he attacked this comedy killer with both barrels blazing.

Speaking of hopeless situations, Rickles tickles with this one: “Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap!”

And we’re betting Don isn’t the only one who sees a certain similarity between renegade cleric Moktada al-Sadr and the Chairman of the Board, Francis Albert Sinatra, of whom Rickles says, “When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don’t mind, but he has it in his back pocket!”

As for Iraq’s prime minister, the blustering but ineffectual Nouri al-Maliki, Rickles thinks “he’s Perry Como’s kid by another marriage.”

Is the surge working? “The transformation has been unbelievable,” The Merchant of Venom jokes. “When I started here, I worked in a place where the Sky Room was on the second floor!”

So, there’s light at the end of the tunnel, although we’re all probably going to be insulted by Don Rickles long before we get there!

Published in: on March 25, 2008 at 10:00 am  Comments Off  
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Topical Humor Tuesdays

Topical Humor for Tuesday, March 18.

The economy’s in free fall and hippies are getting much of the blame. Let’s teach them a lesson by dunking them in a bubble bath of ridicule and giving them a brisk scrubbing with a wit-soaked washcloth. They do say that humor is the best disinfectant.

It won’t be much consolation on Wall Street but when hippies join the Ku Klux Klan, they burn driftwood crosses! One hippie came home and gave the dog fleas. To make him feel welcome, his parents bombed his room.

With so many people losing their savings in the recent stock market wipeout, it’s a good time to remember that if you want to hide your money from a hippie, you can put it under the soap.

Back when Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke was a hippie, someone spotted him walking down the street with just one shoe. The Samaritan stopped Ben and told him that he had lost a shoe. “No way, man,” Bernanke responded. “I found one!”

Published in: on March 18, 2008 at 10:00 am  Comments Off  
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Topical Humor Tuesdays

Topical Humor for Tuesday, March 11.

Bedfellows make strange politics, as the saying goes, and strange political bedfellows can make great comedy.

The news that New York’s governor, Eliot Spitzer, had admitted having a relationship with a prostitute took the humor world, along with the rest of the chattering classes by surprise. We have to admit, Governor Spitzer caught us with our pants down.

Facing a humor emergency, we went to the quickest quipster we know, especially when the subject is politicians and their foibles, one H.L. Mencken, otherwise known as the “Sage of Baltimore.”

Right out of the starting blocks, Mencken has this to say about Eliot Spitzer, “All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.” And Spitzer, who may be thinking of a new career as a poet, should remember what Henry Louis says about that profession. “A poet more than thirty years old is simply an overgrown child,” he opines.

And, by the way, hookers or no hookers, the Empire State’s governor should be ashamed of himself just for holding office in the first place. After all, as Mencken reminds us, “Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.”

As for what may have driven the one-time prosecutor to violate the laws of God and man so egregiously, Mencken has two theories. On the one hand, “Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.” And yet, “Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats.”

We’re reluctant to differ with someone was wise as H.L. Mencken but, frankly, we can’t see Spitzer hoisting anything but his own petard anytime soon!

Published in: on March 11, 2008 at 10:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Topical Humor Tuesdays

Topical humor for Tuesday, March 4.

With major do-or-die primary contests in Ohio and Texas today, we’re reminded that, in an election year, politics is the gift that keeps on giving for the topical humorist.

The neck-and-neck race between Senators Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton has revived the national debate over the role that race and gender play in politics. For the wisest, wittiest, and most-up-to-the-blogosecond reflections on that, we turn, as always, to the master, Nipsey Russell.

The Poet Laureate of Television’s comments on the primaries, as would be expected, are entirely in rhyme. Of Mrs. Clinton, whom many have likened to a scolding schoolmarm, Nipsey says:

If you ever go out with a schoolteacher,
You’re in for a sensational night;
She’ll make you do it over and over again
Until you do it right.

As for the “Family Feud” between Democrats Obama and Clinton, Nipsey has this to say:

Playing Family Feud today
Are some talented women and men;
Lost their jobs giving money away,
So now, they’re trying to win!

Each day we turn another page.
You know you’re reaching middle age
When your pimples and your rashes
Turn to wrinkles and hot flashes.

Ouch! Come on, Nipsey! That’s hitting Senator Clinton below the, er, belt! How about taking a shot or two at Barack Obama? Fair is fair.

Nipsey comes back with this little couplet about Conny van Dyke, perhaps an old girlfriend of handsome Senator Obama:

Conny Van Dyke looks like a girl I once dated.
And now, all my dreams are strictly X-rated!

They’ll be having X-rated dreams in Texas and Ohio tonight!

Published in: on March 4, 2008 at 10:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Topical Humor Tuesdays

Topical humor for Tuesday, February 26th.

Eeny-meeny-miny-moe, catch a topic by its toe! What’ll it be this week? The collapse of the Clinton campaign? Lowest-rated Oscarcast in world history? Gas prices hit record high?

How about this headline from our local paper: “Panel Formed to Start Initiatives.” There’s a meatball floating over home plate! Everyone’s favorite redhead, Lucille Ball, is taking some practice swings in the on-deck circle. Batter up!

Initiative is no substitute for talent. Lucy says, “I regret the passing of the studio system. I was very appreciative of it because I had no talent.” As for starting things, “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done,” she says. Now, come on, Lucy! That’s not very funny. You can do better than that!

The original Carrot Top replies, “I’m not funny. What I am is brave.” Okay, fair enough. But how about just one rib tickler to leave us laughing?

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age,” Mrs. Desi Arnaz says. I guess we’ll have to be happy with that. Not exactly a home run; more like a Texas Leaguer that moves a runner into scoring position. Is it any wonder that America loves Lucy?

Published in: on February 26, 2008 at 10:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Topical Humor Tuesdays

There’s pretty much no subject from genealogy (“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”) to love (“It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.”) that Fred Allen can’t deliver a rapier-sharp ad-lib on faster than you can say, “Jack Benny.” By the way, that feud between Fred and Jack is strictly a gag. In real life, the two are the best of pals.

Microsoft’s hostile takeover bid for Yahoo is just the sort of juicy nugget of news that’s sure to make Fred Allen’s brain salivate. As for Microsoft’s chances of success, Fred says, “Most of us spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.” Something for Steve Ballmer and Co. to ponder.

Microsoft’s hope of retaking the dominant position in Internet advertising from Google seems to Fred to be as risky as a trip to Europe. “The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi,” quips Fred.

As for the digital future as a whole, Fred sees much to rue. “We are living in the machine age,” he says, “For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.” Cheer up, Fred-o. Senator Bloat, Socrates Mulligan, Falstaff Openshaw, Pansy Nussbaum, and the rest of the gang are waiting to buy you a beer down at the Alley. After all, “As one strapless gown said to the other strapless gown, ‘What’s holding us up?’”

Published in: on February 19, 2008 at 10:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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Topical Humor Tuesdays

Topical Humor for Tuesday, Feb. 12, 2008

The Hollywood writers’ strike appears to be at an end and that’s good news for comedy lovers because there’s nothing funnier than the foibles of show folk. Now that the writers are back at work they can start writing some good jokes about themselves.

Dean Martin doesn’t need no stinkin’ writers to hit the mark with these zingeroonies about writers and Hollywood. As for the hard-partying showbiz set, Dino says, “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they’re going to feel all day!”

We all known that straight-laced Pat Boone enjoys reading — as long as it’s the Good Book — but does he like writing? Let’s ask Dean Martin who replies, “I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.”

The writing on Dean’s birth certificate reads “Dino Paul Crocetti.” Signor Crocetti’s writing strikes home every time. “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on,” Martin opines. Make ours a double!

Published in: on February 12, 2008 at 10:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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