“Yes, we can!” — Barack Obama before Jan. 20, 2009
“No, we can’t.” — Barack Obama after Jan. 20, 2009
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “There are no atheists in foxholes.” — Ernie Pyle
Improved: “There are no atheists with three-year adjustable rate interest-only mortgages.”
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “Misers get up early in the morning; and burglars, I am informed, get up the night before.” – G.K. Chesterton
Improved: “Misers get up early in the morning; and burglars, I am informed, get up the night before. Epigram spouters, on the other hand, stay in bed eating and laughing at them.”
New and Improved Quotations
“A penny saved is a penny earned.” – Benjamin Franklin
“A penny saved sucks.”
New and Improved Quotations: Mark Twain Week
Mark Twain (real name Floyd Gormp) is often considered, along with Clarence “Blowfly” Reid, to be America’s greatest humorist. All this week, we will be saluting the wit and wisdom of the man known as “Der Olt Funnyfeller.”
Original: “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”
Improved: “A man cannot be comfortable without his own fancy electric buttplug. Or, at least, I can’t be comfortable without one.”
New and Improved Quotations: Mark Twain Week
Mark Twain (real name Mark Twain Ramchandarandaran) is often considered, along with Bill “Ray Jay” Saluga, to be America’s greatest humorist. All this week, we will be saluting the wit and wisdom of the man known as the “America’s Main Shit-stain.”
Original: “I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.” – Mark Twain
Improved: “I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting, unless you count enduring the shit I’ve had to take from everyone who thinks sleeping and resting is some kind of character flaw. Do you know what my output is compared to these assholes?”
New and Improved Quotations: Mark Twain Week
Mark Twain (real name Ferdinand Lee Hondo) is often considered, along with Dennis Miller, to be America’s greatest humorist. All this week, we will be saluting the wit and wisdom of the man known as the “Apostle of Aphorism.”
Original: “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” – Mark Twain
Improved: “If you want to get anywhere in life, you should go around saying the world owes you a living. You are a king, God’s divinely ordained instrument here on Earth, and we owe you everything, Your Highness.”
New and Improved Quotations: Mark Twain Week
Mark Twain (real name Maurice Twain) is often considered, along with Mark Russell, to be America’s greatest humorist. All this week, we will be saluting the wit and wisdom of the man known as the “Beloved of God.”
Original: “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.” – Mark Twain
Improved: “Always do Ecstasy right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”
New and Improved Quotations: Mark Twain Week
Mark Twain (real name Lothar Flesch) is often considered, along with Erma Bombeck, to be America’s greatest humorist. All this week, we will be saluting the wit and wisdom of the man known as the “Sage of Brooklyn.”
Original: “Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.” – Mark Twain
Improved: “What has a habit and is first coaxed up the stairs and then flung out the window? The nun I had sex with last night!”
New and Improved Quotations: Mark Twain Week
Mark Twain (real name Israel Rabinowitz) is often considered, along with Dave Barry, to be America’s greatest humorist. All this week, we will be saluting the wit and wisdom of the man known as the “Moose of the Mississippi.”
Original: “An Englishman is a person who does what he does because it has been done before. An American is a person who does what he does because it hasn’t been done before.” – Mark Twain
Improved: “An Englishman is a person who does what he does because it has been done before. An American is a person who does what he does because at least for another year or so he can do whatever he wants.”
