Money-Saving Tips for Hard Times

Even though we make it a point not to read the daily papers, it has not escaped our notice that the markets for capital are undergoing one of their periodic convulsive episodes and, as a result, many of our readers may find their circumstances temporarily straitened. Although self-help features are not usually our “thing,” we feel it is morally incumbent upon us not to keep useful information to ourselves when it might dampen the blow from King Midas’ Golden Hammer for those currently in difficulty.

Here, then, are some money-saving tips devised by money-saving experts in consultation with our staff. We have divided them according to the socio-economic status of the readers for which they have the greatest utility. But you should feel free to mix ‘n’ match.

Do you have a money-saving tip you’d like to share with others? Well, please don’t send it to us. We have to move on to other matters and have no further time to spend, so to speak, on the problem.

For Poor and Working-Class Readers

Eliminate one item from tattoo of flaming skeleton riding Harley out of open grave.

Go to work in factory that manufactures fraudulent disability claims.

Some of the most accessible animals at the zoo (zebras, antelope, etc.) are also the most delicious.

Have sex with bus driver in exchange for free ride(s).

Pawn mom’s artificial hip.

Replace broken eyeglasses with stylish monocle.

Do not flush toilet. Ever.

Stop playing that squirrel hunting video game and go squirrel hunting instead.

I know the dealer is still offering E-Z credit, but do you really need another all-terrain vehicle?

Start poverty-themed website or online social network.

For Middle-Class Readers

Reduce Christmastime electric bill by replacing 60 Watt bulbs in front lawn manger scene with 40 Watt bulbs (except for baby Jesus.)

Have you heard about Applebees’ new “no tipping” policy? No? Well, you have now!

Wear non-matching outfits when sightseeing, if necessary.

Next time you need a new welcome mat, consider not personalizing it.

Order Chili’s “Awesome Blossom” as a main course

Cut back DirecTV package from 4500 to 2500 channels.

Downgrade lawn seed from Kentucky Blue to Perennial Ryegrass.

No more expensive live shows. Watch Cirque du Soliel on pay-per-view only.

Ladies, throw that Sharper Image catalogue away BEFORE your husband sees it.

Don’t commit to a new DVD format for at least a year.

Try hosting “Gal’s Night” at home. Homemade Apple-tinis are even better than the restaurant kind.

Convert family van to run on inexpensive tidal power.

For Upper-Middle Class, Bourgeois, and Superrich Readers

Have bubbles injected into private label sparking water in groups of ten, rather than individually.

Add extra tie-downs to helicopter landing pad as a reminder to curb unnecessary trips.

Ditto extra tie-downs for helicopter pad on yacht.

Allow your airmail to fly commercial.

Make percussionist in orchestra for daughter’s debutante ball play both triangle and glockenspiel.

Deduct gift of last year’s fur coat to maid from her salary.

Fund think tank to figure out ways you can cut costs.

Kick those lazy Swift Boat Veterans for Truth off the payroll.

Change schedule for dry-raking Japanese Karensui Garden from thrice daily to “as needed.”

Allow pet pandas to smoke Honduran cigars instead of expensive Cubans.

Send children to school. Do not bring school to children.

Published in:  on October 27, 2008 at 10:35 pm Leave a Comment
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The Mirth of the Mead-Hall: Classic Viking Jokes and Riddles

There were in the Isles of the far North, two brothers, Sigund and Vanhiemr, who ruled the neighboring kingdoms of Hugin and Munin. Oft betimes, they would pass one another while surveying their bordering lands. On one occasion, near the hour of Baldr’s funeral, at Biersmund, where the rainbow bridge to Hamdal is said to have its Earthly end (though none in these sad times knows the exact spot) the two did cross paths. “How be you, Good Vanhiemr?,” cried Sigund. “What news of your royal house?”

“My world is dark, Sigund Strong-Arm!” lamented Vanheimr, “Famine haunts my lands and war hath drained my gold!”

“Dear brother, take heart,” assured the calm King Sigund with the wisdom of Fenrir, Bringer of Peace, “Your tale could be far worse.”

Soon once again in the great forest called Cairndell, the royal kinsman did meet, this time on the Eve of Svartalfhien.

Sigund again hailed Vanhiemr. “What news have you, dear brother?” quoth he.

“Oh brother, my fate grows ever blacker,” intoned the hero of Jotnar. “My castle has burned and my queen has died.”

Again with the simple calm liken to that of Signe, Volsung’s daughter, in the great poem that bears her name, Sigund consoled his brother. “Dear Vanhiemr, slayer of Riedmar the Dragon,” he began, “By Odin, Loki, and Gentle Haeinrir, things could be far, far worse!”

Not more than ten days later, near the fearsome abodes of the Black Elves, the brothers did meet a third time. Upon seeing the other, the benighted King Vanheimer cried out in fear and supplication. “Good brother, truly the Vanir have cursed me and the Aesir are deaf to my pleas! The crone Wysowir, who is never wrong, has looked deep into the magic pool at Gdnestak and foretold that I will be dead by Mid-Winter’s Day. A bane of cruel affliction rots my heart.”

Sigund, though the younger of the brethren, smiled and soothed Vanheimr, who from Queen Hunding’s self-same womb had sprung. “Things,” he said, “could be far worse!”

“How?!!” bellowed Vanheimr, “How in the blessed name of Asgard’s legions could things be far worse?”

“Precious brother, blood of my blood, fellow heir to the wealth of Andvarl,” answered steady Sigund, “They could have happened to me!”

World Leaders Announce Plans for Economic Do-Over

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In the wake of nearly a month of devastating financial losses, though amid signs that panic is receding from the financial marketplace, the leaders of the world’s richest nations, including the United States, announced last night that they have agreed to an unprecedented plan to “reset the clock” on global stock markets. If the plan is fully implemented, key indexes like the Dow Jones Industrial Average, the CAC 40 in France, and Britain’s FTSE 100 will be restored to their historic highs (in the Dow’s case the high water mark, 14,164.53, was achieved on Oct. 9, 2007) at some mutually agreed upon date in the near future.

The move would be the boldest of the measures discussed at this past weekend’s meeting of the G-7 group of industrialized nations in Washington. It would instantly restore trillions of dollars to investors. “The past year has been like a bad dream,” said Prof. Gilbert Ross of Yale University who is credited with the basic idea of direct government intervention to raise the indexes. “This would give us a chance to wake up and start again. It’s like a time machine.”

The Ross Plan appeared to be winning initial support in Congress, as well as in the White House. Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass), the Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, has been one of its strongest advocates. “It has the virtue of simplicity. And it would give us a second chance to avoid most of the unpleasant drama of recent days. For instance, we can fix Fannie and Freddie Mac before they break. And this time, we’ll be on the lookout for problems at Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers, even when they seem to be doing well.”

One of the strengths of the idea is that there have been so few winners in the market downturn, that there are almost no credible opponents to it. “Oh, the short sellers may scream,” said Jeremy Hamburg, the chief economist of the beleaguered Morgan Stanley investment bank, “But people stopped listening to them weeks ago. The vultures don’t have a lot of standing in the discussion over rescue measures.”

Although resetting the markets may seem obvious, it has never been tried before for two basic reasons.

Firstly, the government has traditionally been reluctant to intervene directly in the markets for capital beyond adjusting interest rates through the Federal Reserve and, secondly, a basic understanding has prevailed that eliminating risk from the market exposed investors to a “moral hazard.” “If there are no negative consequences for poor decisions, ultimately the market reinforces good and bad actions equally,” Mr. Hamburg explained. “But once Bush and Paulson stepped in to rescue Fannie and Freddie and AIG and take an equity position in endangered banks, well, it’s a brave new world.”

What Prof. Ross calls the “No-Downside Economy” is possible, according to his theoretical work on the subject, only through fairly drastic action, like ordering the Dow rebuilt. But, he explains, the abstract nature of modern high finance does make such severe action a viable option when the political will is strong enough, as it seems to be currently. “All of the components of modern economies, from currencies to stocks and bonds to derivatives, are all valued by consensus,” Ross said. ” The days when a dollar was worth a certain number of ounces of gold or silver are long gone. A dollar’s worth a dollar because we agree it’s worth a dollar. If all it takes to rescue our economy is deciding that a dollar is worth two dollars, then that’s what we must do.”

According to insiders, the precise mechanics of the plan have not been fully worked out but it is believed that, in addition to the stock indices, currency values, interest rates, and bond prices will all be adjusted to their level at the time of the stock market high. Mr. Hamburg of Morgan Stanley said those moves “should reinflate the housing bubble nicely.” He added that the bubble can then “either be deflated gradually or inflated further.”

Transactions from the intervening time period, however, will not be undone, however. “That’s a reward for investors who sat tight and didn’t panic,” said a Treasury official speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak publicly about the matter.

Congressman Frank, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and their Senate counterparts promised speedy approval for the plan. “We’ve had a meltdown,” said Frank. “What we’re talking about is nothing less than a complete ‘melt-up.’ It’s going to be popular on Wall Street and Main Street, not to mention Elm Street, Martin Luther King Boulevard, Cesar Chavez Square, and the Provincetown Country Mart.”

The News Cast: Man (Giovanni Ribisi) Is Unfit to Stand Trial

Two court-appointed psychiatrists (Stuart Pankin and Josh Mostel) have declared a schizophrenic man accused of killing a Manhattan psychotherapist last February mentally unfit to stand trial, according to court documents filed on Tuesday.

The suspect, David Tarloff 40, of Queens, (Giovanni Ribisi) had been declared fit to stand trial by two experts (Dianne Weist and James Cromwell) in February. But his lawyer, Bryan Konoski (Frank Langella), asked for a more complete examination by a court-appointed psychiatrist, saying that Mr. Tarloff (Ribisi) had been medicated before being examined.

Prosecutors could challenge the latest findings, and have requested a week to respond, Mr. Konoski (Langella) said. Alicia Maxey Greene (Helen Hunt), a spokeswoman for the Manhattan district attorney’s office, declined to comment on the case on Tuesday.

Mr. Tarloff (Ribisi) is accused of first-degree murder in the death of the therapist, Kathryn Faughey (Kathy Bates), 56, who was stabbed repeatedly on Feb. 12 with knives and a meat cleaver in her office building on East 79th Street at York Avenue (West Lake Avenue and Baxter Boulevard in Toronto). He is also accused of slashing and seriously wounding Dr. Kent D. Shinbach (Bob Balaban), a psychiatrist working in the same suite. Dr. Shinbach (Balaban), who played a role in Mr. Tarloff’s (Ribisi) diagnosis of schizophrenia 17 years ago, was his principal target, the police have said.

If Justice Charles H. Solomon (that guy who played the dad in “Juno”) of State Supreme Court in Manhattan accepts the finding that Mr. Tarloff (Ribisi) is unfit for trial, he could be sent to a state psychiatric facility, where he would be medicated until he was found fit, Mr. Konoski (Langella) said. Mr. Tarloff’s (Ribisi’s) mental state would then be evaluated periodically, Mr. Konoski (Langella) said.
“He’s a mess,” Mr. Konoski (Langella) said. “Worse than I have ever seen him.”

Mr. Tarloff (Ribisi) is also charged with attempted murder and first-degree assault in the attack on Dr. Shinbach (Balaban). That case is pending.

Mr. Tarloff (Ribisi) is on one-on-one suicide watch at Bellevue Hospital Center, meaning that someone must monitor him at all times, according to one of the psychiatric reports filed with the court. The doctors suggested that the death of Mr. Tarloff’s mother (Sylvia Sidney) in August pushed him into a deep depression, Mr. Konoski (Langella) said. In the past, Mr. Tarloff (Ribisi) has responded to medication, but recently he has been refusing to take antipsychotic and mood-stabilizing drugs, according to the report.

While being held at Rikers Island (Governors Island), Mr. Tarloff (Ribisi) defecated on himself and did not interact with the guards (Luis Guzman and Cuba Gooding) or the other inmates (M.C Gainey, Michael Clarke Duncan, and Brad Dourif), the report said. He was moved to the psychiatric ward at Bellevue last month but his condition only deteriorated, wrote one of the doctors, Murray A. Gordon (Tom Wilkinson).

He gets out of bed only to eat, according to Dr. Gordon (Wilkinson), and he does not shower. He used to speak with his father (Jack Warden), who has been visiting him weekly, but ignored him during a recent visit, the report said.

“It appears to the staff that the defendant has withdrawn more and more into his own world and that he has in effect given up,” Dr. Gordon (Wilkinson) wrote.

In August, two court-appointed doctors (George Takei and Hector Elizondo) in Queens who evaluated Mr. Tarloff (Ribisi) for an unrelated case of misdemeanor assault (spitting on Ray Romano) also found him unfit to stand trial, Mr. Konoski (Langella) said.

Mr. Konoski (Langella) has said previously that if his client were forced to stand trial, he would enter an insanity plea. “When he committed the acts that are alleged, he was not in his right mind,” Mr. Konoski (Langella) said on Tuesday. “He was clearly insane”.

Published in:  on October 9, 2008 at 2:05 pm Leave a Comment
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