Original: “I think therefore I am.” – Rene Descartes
Improved: “I blog therefore I am.”
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “The best time to buy is when blood is running in the streets.” – Nathan Rothschild.
Improved: “Whatever you do, don’t say something stupid about buying when blood is running in the streets.” – Nathan Rothschild’s publicist.
America and Why I Love Her: Update
What makes America great? How about Civil War reenactments that are just about indistinguishable from the real thing? That is, if it weren’t for all the damn utility poles.
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “The three rules of real estate are location, location, and location!” – traditional
Improved: “The four rules of real estate are location, location, location, and location.”
Dirty Limericks about George Bush
We have bad news to report. There’s no way to sugarcoat it. Apparently, we were misinformed by a White House source with an addiction to prescription drugs. This source, who we are tempted to identify in order to encourage him to get the help he needs (we will refrain — for now), has, according to his wife, developed a bad habit of telling people what they want to hear. This intense eagerness to please is said to be characteristic of addicts.
Apparently, in order to tell us what he assumed we wanted to hear, the source exaggerated the extent to which President Bush was cowed by our dirty limericks. Although we have confirmed independently that the president is a regular reader of this page, he is not, we are now told, preparing to resign his office in order to stop us making sport of him.
There is no denying that it is a bitter blow to learn that we are no closer to our goal than we at the outset of our limerick campaign. Still, we will not be discouraged and we will not give up. And, to prove it, we have prepared an exceptionally vile limerick that we think will convince certain skeptics in the White House that we mean exactly what we say: it is time for you to go, Mr. President.
There was a Commander-in-Chief
whose fornication duration was brief.
The second he’d skim
the soft skin of a quim,
he’d explode like a skiff on a reef!
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “No man is an island.” – John Donne
Improved: “No man is Long Island — with the possible exception of Billy Joel.”
Wikipedia’s Lives of the Great Porn Stars: Tera Patrick
TERA PATRICK (actress)
Birthdate: July 25, 1976 (age 31)
Birth location: Great Falls, Montana, United States
Birth name: Linda Ann Hopkins
Measurements: 36DD-24-34
Height: 5 ft 9 in (1.75 m)
Weight: 121 lb (55 kg)
Eye color: Brown
Hair color: Brunette
Natural bust: No
Orientation: Heterosexual
Ethnicity: Thai/English
Alias(es): Tara Patrick, Sadie Jordan, Brooke Thomas, Tera Hopkins
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “Behind every great fortune is a great crime.” – Honore de Balzac
Improved: “Behind every great fortune is a great tax shelter.”
Topical Humor Tuesdays
Topical Humor for Tuesday, Jan. 22.
The news that Vice President Dick Cheney and presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama are actually eighth cousins hit the comedy world like a bombshell. The relationship, uncovered by the vice president’s wife, Lynne, in the course of research for a new book, has proven to be a Klondike for topical comedians around the country. Even Obama got into the act, referring to the vice president as “Cousin Dick” in a number of campaign appearances, much to the delight of the crowd.
George Gobel, always quick off the starting blocks, has some of the best lines. Lonesome George has a few relatives of his own including an uncle even more embarrassing than either Cheney or Obama. “My uncle was the town drunk,” Gobel reports sadly. “And we lived in Chicago!”
Relatives can sometimes be a nuisance, like mice. “Build a better mousetrap and you’ll catch better mice!” George jokes. But no matter who your family is, be they Rockefellers or Joads, all of us can sometimes feel a little out of place. Or, as George Gobel puts it, “Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?”
New and Improved Quotation for Today
Original: “There is nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come.” – Victor Hugo.
Improved: “There is nothing more powerful than a circus strongman driving a rocket ship.”
