There’ll Always be a Germany (and a North Carolina)

Exploding Toilet Causes Stinky Situation

The Colons ended up with some pretty explosive toilet bowl problems.

After a sewer line blew up inside the family’s Charlotte, N.C., home — damaging almost everything inside — Charlotte-Mecklenburg Utilities (CMUD) said it’s not responsible for mopping up the mess, according to WCNC-TV News.

The utility and local mom Marilyn Colon are having a spat over who should clean up the smelly mess.

Colon’s neighbors poured grease down the drain, which built up over time and led to the bathroom blast, CMUD said.

“We heard a thump,” Colon told WCNC-TV.

Her toilet then suddenly blew up. “Feces, urine, oil … it went all through the house,” Colon told WCNC-TV. “You can see where the pressure from the water lifted the toilet bowl,” Colon explained to the network.

She described the horrible odor caused by the bidet blast. “You couldn’t breathe, your eyes would tear,” she told WCNC-TV, adding that the explosion destroyed almost everything in her house.

“I lost everything,” Colon said.

WCNC-TV posted pics of the exploding toilet on their Web site.

The smelly situation turned into a row when Colon and her landlord phoned CMUD for aid.
The utility said it doesn’t legally have to offer cleaning help but they do anyway. CMUD called their insurance adjustor and a cleaning company arrived and a restoration company promised to fix the floors. Colon said she and her landlord won’t sign on to a contract CMUD gave them to install a valve to protect again a second restroom eruption.

Colon and her 6-year-old daughter stayed at a neighbor’s house trying to plan where to go next as crews swabbed the line last Monday.

“My home is contaminated,” she told WCNC-TV.

Published in: on December 31, 2007 at 5:00 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags:

The Mirth of the Mead-Hall: Classic Viking Jokes and Riddles

Frigg, greatest of the goddesses and the wife of Odin, lord of the gods, possessed a magic looking glass through which she could see all that came to pass — whether in Asgard, in Midgard, in Niflhelm where the ice giants dwell, or even in Svartalfheim, home of the dark elves.

One day, while consulting with her looking glass, she happened to see Odin, disguised as a mighty fish-eagle, descend to Vanaheimr where he perched upon the shoulder of the beautiful Vanir Freyja, goddess of beauty, love, and fertility. The eagle began to speak into Freyja’s ear and the goddess began to giggle. Seeing this, Frigg was enraged because, although her looking glass could show her all that happened, she could not hear what passed between her husband and Freyja.

Resolving to discover for herself what was being said, she abruptly left her boudoir and came out into the god-bright sunshine of eternal Asgard. Seeing mischievous Loki, the prankster god, lounging idly in a nearby poplar grove she commanded him to “call me a cab.”

Shrugging his shoulders, naughty Loki replied, “Okay, you’re a cab.”

Published in: on December 31, 2007 at 10:00 am  Comments Off  
Tags: , , ,

New and Improved Quotation for Today

Original: “You can have it any color you like, as long as it’s black.” – Henry Ford

Improved: “You can have it any color you like, as long as it’s anthracite metallic mica.”

Published in: on December 31, 2007 at 12:01 am  Comments Off  
Tags: , ,

There’ll Always be a Germany: Chapter 28

New TV Channel Takes on Death and Dying

By Charles Hawley

There are shows for cooking, relationships, weddings and property — why not for dying? A new TV channel in Germany plans to rectify the omission with 24/7 digital death.

Cooking shows are a dime a dozen on television these days. Home improvement shows hit the big time in the 1990s. Property shows are huge in Britain. Relationships and weddings have likewise become popular prime-time fodder. But the one event that faces every human on Earth has never had its own television channel.
Until now.

Starting this autumn in Germany, EosTV — a 24-hour-a-day, seven-days-a-week television channel devoted exclusively to aging, dying and mourning — will hit the airwaves. Viewers will be served up documentaries about cemeteries, shows about changing funeral culture, and helpful tips about finding a retirement home or nursing care. Should you be looking to install a stair lift in your home, EosTV will be the place to find information about that too. Death and dying, in other words, right in your living room.

“Over 800,000 people died in Germany last year,” Wolf Tilmann Schneider, the channel’s founder, told SPIEGEL ONLINE. “Multiply that by four and you have the rough number of people directly affected by those deaths. There are also 2.1 million people in Germany needing care in their old age. There are millions of people confronting the issues of getting older and dying.”

Forest Cemeteries and Anonymous Burials

The show pairs television veteran Schneider with Germany’s funeral home association and seeks to take advantage of the country’s changing demographics. In 2006, Germany saw almost 150,000 more deaths than births, a continuation of a trend that has seen the country’s population age dramatically in recent decades.

In addition, says Kerstin Gernig, spokeswoman for the National Association of Funeral Homes, there has also been a recent shift in the way people approach death and burial. More people are taking advantage of anonymous burials, for example. Forest cemeteries are likewise becoming more popular, as are Internet graveyards. And the church no longer plays such a large role in the death industry.

“We want to take a look at the changing nature of mourning and death in the Internet, pictures and movies,” Gernig told SPIEGEL ONLINE in reference to the new death channel.

The channel, which will cost less than €10 million to launch, would also like to be a part of that trend. For years, Germany’s funeral homes have noted a rise in the number of elderly people and their descendents looking to work with professional writers to document their lives and those of loved ones.

Working with the funeral home association — which represents some 85 percent of German undertakers — Schneider is hoping to provide families a video outlet for their mourning as well. Families can buy 30 second slots to create televised obituaries. For a €2,400 fee, the spot will be aired 10 times on the death channel and will also be provided as video on the company’s Web site and those of funeral homes.

“We are all the same. We all have the same life cycle and we all live and die,” says Schneider. “That’s where the idea came from that — just like an obituary one places with a newspaper — I wanted to give people the opportunity to do that on television.”

Most of the programming, however, will be taken up by informational shows for the elderly. Those moving into their later years can watch the channel to inform themselves about life insurance, funeral insurance, home nursing services, and which companies are the best at installing stair lifts.

Program directors are even hoping to do shows on Germans’ seeming unwillingness to donate their organs. The shows, Schneider hopes, will be sponsored by companies selling products to those entering their golden years.

Graveyard Documentaries

And of course, there will be entertainment programming. Schneider can barely contain himself when he talks about his own interest in cemeteries. “I realized recently,” he says breathlessly, “that I really like going to the cemetery. And I’ve noticed that in Germany and in Europe people go to cemeteries not just to mourn, but also to enjoy the peace.”

His idea? Documentaries on European cemeteries. What happens to bodies in Germany after their allotted cemetery time — as a rule, dead Germans stay in the ground for no longer than a generation — has expired? What about that beautiful graveyard in Paris? And then there’s the cemetery in Berlin that was divided by the Berlin Wall. The list of potential topics, so says Schneider, is endless.

So too, he is hoping, is the target group. After all, he points out, hundreds of thousands of people die in Germany each year. And it’s not just a German phenomenon. Indeed, before the first show has even been broadcast, EosTV — named for Eos, the Greek goddess of the dawn — is already planning to expand.

Schneider has begun the search for partners across Europe and in the United States. The response, he reports, has been quite lively.

Published in: on December 30, 2007 at 5:00 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags:

New and Improved Quotation for Today

Original: “Eighty percent of success is showing up.” – Woody Allen

Improved: “Eighty percent of the people who show up are a success.”

Published in: on December 30, 2007 at 12:01 am  Comments Off  
Tags: , ,

There’ll Always be a Germany: Chapter 27

German in Wheelchair Busted For Drunk Driving

A wheelchair-bound man was spotted by police driving down the middle of the road in a village in eastern Germany. When they breathalysed him they were shocked to find that he was ten times over the legal limit for drivers.

A man was arrested on Saturday night for driving a wheelchair under the influence. His blood alcohol content was 0.5 percent.

Whether it’s a truck or a wheelchair, German police don’t look too kindly on vehicles swerving down the middle of a road — particularly if those operating them have had a few too many beers.

When a squad car patrolling the village of Ventschow, in northeastern Germany, spotted a wheelchair-bound man out on the open road late on Saturday night, the police officers suspected he might be under the influence. They were right. When he was given a breathalyzer test, they were stunned to find that he was a whopping ten times over the legal limit for drivers. He had a 0.5 percent blood alcohol content (BAC) — the legal limit in Germany is 0.05 percent.

“He was right in the middle of the road,” a spokesman for the police told Reuters Tuesday. “The officers couldn’t believe it when they saw the results of the breath test. That’s a life- threatening figure.”

The 31-year-old had been out partying with a pal, he confessed when pulled over. In fact he was just a mile from home when he was rumbled.

The concerned coppers tried to get the inebriated man to hospital in an ambulance, but he was not going quietly. After he resisted and put up a fight, they were forced to give him a police escort.

Now the authorities are faced with the tricky task of how to penalize this kind of behavior. Technically the man was traveling as a pedestrian, and so cannot be charged with a driving offence.

“It’s not like we can impound his wheelchair,” the police spokesman said. “But he is facing some sort of punishment. It’s just not clear yet what that will be.”

smd/dpa/reuters

Published in: on December 29, 2007 at 5:00 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags:

Some Excerpts from Lynne Spears’ Book on Parenting

Lynne Spears’ book about parenting has been delayed indefinitely, her publisher has announced. Lindsey Nobles, a spokeswoman for Christian book publisher Thomas Nelson Inc., said Wednesday that the memoir by the mother of Britney Spears was put on hold last week.

She declined to comment on whether the delay was connected to the revelation that Spears’ 16-year-old daughter, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant. – Associated Press

Oops, I Parented Again! By Lynne Spears

p. 3 “Kids! Who the hell knows what they’re thinking?! I remember once, growing up, my brother Leroy put the neighbor’s dog in a garbage can with a bunch of fireworks and set it off. The dog practically died and the neighbor would have killed Leroy, if my daddy hadn’t beaten the crap out of him first. Dad kept trying to get Leroy to tell him why he done it but all’s Leroy would say was that he was trying to send the dog on a ‘moon shot.’ That just made daddy even madder.”

p. 41 “I think one of the hardest things about being a parent is not getting mad at your kids when they do stupid stuff. When I feel like I’m about to lose it, I take a deep breath, count to ten, and go and get a pedicure. That’s what works for me. You may have some other way of relaxing, such as watching television. Whatever it is you like to do, find out what it is, and do it quick before you get mad.”

p. 80 “I don’t want to pretend that this is all that original but one important rule of parenting is that kids can be real sneaky sometimes.”

p. 89 “As far as sex goes, you can try telling your kids to use protection but a lot of times kids just like to do the opposite of what their parents tell them in order to be difficult. You’d probably have just as much luck if you told ‘em not to use protection.”

p. 101 “One thing that sends me to the nail salon for a pedicure real fast is when my kids drink. I tell ‘em, ‘You look like a fool all drunk like that!’ but do they care? No, they do not.”

p. 115 “To give you an example of what I mean about kids, one time, growing up, my brother Leroy put the neighbor’s dog in a trash can with a bunch of firecrackers and blew it up. Did I tell this story already? It seems to me I may have.”

p. 130 “The holidays are one of the worst times for families because a lot of times you’ll be fighting with your husband about something, so you’ll be in a real bad mood. That’s usually when one of my daughters asks me if her boyfriend can stay over. No, he most definitely may not!”

p. 164 “A woman wrote me once to say her son was gay and what should she do. Well, I think the first thing you should do is tell him you love him. Wait, how old is he? Because if he’s real young, you might want to make sure he doesn’t do anything weird in public such as wearing a dress. The older ones usually get the picture a little better in terms of not making a scene.”

p. 188 “The Bible can be a real comfort when you’re having a hard time dealing with your kids. That and TV shows about the Bible.”

New and Improved Quotation for Today

Original: “We are not amused.” – Queen Victoria

Improved: “It didn’t work for Us.”

Published in: on December 29, 2007 at 12:01 am  Comments Off  
Tags: , , ,

There’ll Always be a Germany: Chapter 26

Hairdresser Highlights Security Slip-Up at Bundesbank

German tabloid Bild reported Thursday that a Berlin hairdresser rifling through his garbage cans has come across top secret plans for the Bundesbank’s new maximum security safe.

Security is tight at the Bundesbank headquarters in Berlin, as befits a bank that stores several millions of euros behind yards of reinforced steel and concrete.

But in these paranoid times, many will be alarmed to learn that even bullet-proof glass and surveillance cameras are not enough to stop information ending up in the wrong hands. In fact, security at Germany’s central bank is …well, a load of rubbish.

Across town in the fashionable neighbourhood of Friedrichshain, a German hairdresser was astonished to find a plastic bag containing classified plans for the Bundesbank’s new safe in garbage cans in his very own backyard.

The plans detailed “floor thickness, movement detector placements, doors, passageways and barred gates” reported mass circulation daily Bild.

“These plans are secret,” was witten at the top of the page in bold capitals.

Not any more they’re not — after Bild splashed them across the pages of its Thursday edition.

The Bundesbank headquarters in the Charlottenburg district were recently renovated and enlarged to the tune of 156 million euros.

Officials from the bank suspect the plans went missing during the construction work.

Bundesbank spokesman Albrecht Sommer told Bild the bank intended “to come up with an explanation as soon as possible.”

“We will check to see how this could have happened,” Sommer was quoted as saying. “Right now we have to make sure no more worksite plans are out there.”

Published in: on December 28, 2007 at 5:00 pm  Leave a Comment  
Tags:

America and Why I Love Her – Update

Thanks to our global dominance in the field of One Woman Shows, America’s women are the happiest, most mentally healthy, and have less to get off their chests than any other statistically comparable group of women in the world with the possible exception of the women of the Netherlands, who have the advantage of being, on average, much better-looking.

Published in: on December 28, 2007 at 10:00 am  Comments Off  
Tags: , , , ,
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.